How Happy are You?

(I wrote this a couple weeks ago.)

Last night I was hanging around some sisters from my ward at church, having a great time eating snacks and playing cards and talking and talking, and one of the sisters stated that she hated this stage of her life. Another chimed in that she agreed.

There were 6 of us altogether. I find it interesting that these dissatisfied women were the only 2 in the group that hadn't had their family ravaged through divorce or the death of a spouse. They have both been through a lot, but, then again, who hasn't been through a lot by the time their in their 50s and beyond? They both have all their children in functional situations, and both are financially stable. Let me tell you, I think if I were in either of their situations, I would be enjoying this stage of my life even more!

Because, even though they are my peers and I enjoy their company so much, I am definitely enjoying this stage of my life. I did love it (in some ways) while my children were small—in fact, having and raising my children was very fulfilling for me. That time brought me so much joy, even in a sporadically dysfunctional marriage. And, good for me, that I can say that. I remember being acquainted with people who DIDN'T find that time happy. (Even my own former mother-in-law said she had hated being a mother—which explains a lot about my family's dysfunction!) But I must say I look back on the time my children were small with joy and fondness, along with relief that I got through it.

Reflecting on the years I was single young adult, creating myself and the life I would have, going to school and working at jobs with people I would have never met in my academic life. Those were marvelous years, full of adventure and beauty and growth, and most of all HOPE.

And even the time between my marriages was full of optimistic expectancy, new excitement, self-expression through working outside the home, and other benefits and, well, fun.

I just finished a book called THE HAPPINESS PROJECT, by Gretchen Rubin. She is a 30-something woman, married, full-time writer and mother of 2 who realized she wasn't as happy as she thought she should or could be. She worked for a whole year on being a happier person, with goals and a chart and much record-keeping, and found herself happier after that year. One of the reasons I loved this book is that Gretchen knew that the secret to happiness was to work from the inside of herself to make changes (and some were DIFFICULT!) that would make the quality of her relationships and daily living more happy.

And it worked!!

Like Gretchen, I know I can be a happier person if I change some of the things I am doing in my life, although I find this time of life, with all its changes, unpredictability, and challenges interesting.

My children are (virtually) grown up and finding their places in the world. I have great relationships with some of my children and good relationships with the rest. My husband and I are creating a new life together that doesn't ALWAYS have to center on the needs of our offspring first. And, although we aren't as financially stable as some of our peers who were not devastated by divorce, career upsets, or the economy, we are looking ahead toward retirement and planning how to live our dreams for that time with hopeful anticipation. And living other dreams right now.

And I am totally enjoying grandchildren and all they bring to my life. All of mine are close, so it's easy to relish my experience with them. As children join our family who live far, far away, I am sure it will be a little more challenging to stay connected and have those same great relationships. But I have had good role models in that, and am looking forward to it.

As for my body, the changes, aches and pains, and unpredictability never leave me with a dull moment. I enjoyed the book YOUNGER NEXT YEAR, with its enthusiastic and knowledgeable authors so much. It has given me promise that the quality of my life now and in the future years can be just as good (maybe even better) than it has in the past at times. Why shouldn't my body do for me what it was created to do in these future years just as well as it has in the past?

I received a voice mail last night from a friend in California, near where I grew up. Her oldest son committed suicide yesterday, and her family is, of course, devastated. As I mourn for her and with her, I realize that our world is such a hard place to stay sometimes, and that there is despair almost everywhere you look. But we are created with resilience, too, and a capacity for joy and happiness within this world of dark times and experiences. Happiness comes from doing things that make us feel good about ourselves, doing right, and growing.

I feel grateful for this time in my life to explore new paths, discover new relationships, and strengthen old relationships. My life has been such a gift, so rich with people and experiences, and hope for the future.

What do you do in your life to increase your daily and long-term joy and happiness? I am thinking about doing my own full-blown HAPPINESS PROJECT. Would anyone care to join me?

Moral Dilemma!

I don't watch much television these days, but I do tune in to Private Practice weekly online, and fold my laundry while I watch and listen. This show is a spinoff of Gray's Anatomy, which I don't watch. The plot lines are sometimes ridiculous, and I have been known to lose patience with them, especially the interpersonal relationships of the regulars on the show. The thing that keeps me watching is that on each episode there is a singular moral dilemma. (It's a medical show with heavy emphasis on women's health and fetuses.) I love seeing how the writers and actors approach the problems and work them out. It keeps me coming back week after week.

Now, this next part may not SEEM to be related to my semi-addiction to Private Practice, but keep reading, and you'll see how it is. Here goes: I have been diligent about staying on top of my library checkouts and due dates. I haven't had an overdue book since January, and I am feeling totally happy and proud of myself for keeping my bargain with myself to not have any overdue books. I just looked up my goals for this year, and technically my goal was to not have any library fines. And I don't. But I will have an overdue book if I don't do something drastic; I won't have a fine, however.

All right, now I will digress. I heard an NPR report about a book called "Grow Your Own Drugs," by James Wong. Wong had a series in Great Britain about using herbs from your backyard to make folk remedies to help with all sorts of health and other issues. Now he has a book out with many recipes and information on herbs and healing. The book came out last year. It sounded wonderful, and I totally wanted to read it. I am in the habit of checking a book out of the library before purchasing it, so that I am able to make sure it's something I need to own and that's worth my money. In this case, it's not a book I may buy used, since it's new, and I knew I would want to look at it before I could make a decision. I went to the local library's website, but the book wasn't even ordered. Sheesh! Then I went to the website for the library system in the county where I used to live, one library of which I visited often when Silas and I had our Wednesday visits when he lived with his dad. My card is still active there, and it's legal for me to have one. It's within walking distance of the Edmonds ferry. Lo and behold, they had a copy in their system! I put it on hold, and waited for it to turn up at the Edmonds library.

Thankfully, my son Zach lives not far from that branch, and said he would pick up the book if I needed him to do so. On the last day before the book was to go back on the shelves, Zach went over to the library to check it out for me. Unfortunately, the power was out when he got to the library. Fortunately, the librarian was happy to take down my number and allowed Zach to take out the book. (He said, "I felt like a pot-head, needing to take out a book called Grow Your Own Drugs!")

Zach brought the book over to me the following week, and it was beautiful and informative. It is a book I would like to own, and I probably will, before too long. It is due tomorrow, and I haven't had the time to make any of the recipes, even though I am coming down with a cold. Keep reading for the moral dilemma.

The library system from which I (er, Zach) borrowed the book has a fabulous policy with regard to overdue books. They don't have fines! If you have an overdue book they put a hold on your card after a couple weeks, and if you don't bring the book back they make you pay for it before you can check out books again. Or simply bring it back. Isn't that a great policy??

My book is due tomorrow, and I am not sure I will be able to get it back to the library. It takes a ride to Kingston (40 minutes), parking, a ferry trip to Edmonds, (30 minutes), a walk up the hill (20 minutes), a walk down the hill (20 minutes), ferry back (30 minutes), ride home (40 minutes), and any wait time for ferry, along with weather considerations. And parking fee and ferry fee. That's a lot. Or I could wait until Zach comes for a visit and he can drop it off when he gets back to his side of the water. This will probably be in the next couple weeks. Remember, there's actually no penalty for returning the book late.

So, here's the dilemma. Am I bound by my personal goal and integrity to return the book on time?? Or, since I can't renew it because someone else is waiting for it, am I bound to return it and get it back to the library for that other person to check it out? (Note: It's the only copy in the system.) (Another note: You all can guess that I am often waiting for someone to return a book so that I can check it out. And I get really irritated when people keep their books past their due dates. This is actually happening with a book I am waiting for. I hope that person pays their whopping fine!)

Feedback welcome and appreciated. Though I think I have actually made my decision.

Finding Humor

I love to read and am spending (too) much time doing it these days. It is my learning time, vacation experience, and entertainment. This past week I picked up a book at the library called The $64 Tomato by William Alexander, and am laughing my head off at the way the author describes his experience gardening on his very own 3 acres in New York. I was laughing so much Chloe couldn't stand not knowing what was so funny.

Which brings me to Aggie, the hen who has been sitting on the (empty) nest for a month now. She is lethargic and her feathers are shiny and stick up all over, and she's no longer smooth and pretty like the other girls. So, I decided, after inspiration from Bill's experience, to do an intervention. I came to the conclusion she must be isolated and nestless until she is over her propensity to sit around all day in the little house. (I do understand her desire to do so, since there is nothing I love more than sitting around all day in my own little house.)

At 8:45 PM last night I began my Save Aggie quest. I filled food and water dishes and put them at the end of the pen. I cut wire and fencing and began lacing the chicken wire at one end to keep the little girlie from the relative freedom of the pen and house. I tossed her into her new quarters and began lacing the other side of the fencing, struggling with the dusky light and bifocals and gardening gloves. Just as I was finishing she amazingly slipped under the fence. Dang! It was too dark to tack the fence down, and I was getting tired. "Hey, I know," I thought. "I'll just block off the entrance to the little house and she can roost overnight with her sisters." I (thought I) prevented entry with a board over the walkway. Not so! Aggie pushed right through. Hens can be very determined, I now know. I changed the position of the board so that there was no way to wedge in an avian head, and then body. "Dream on," Aggie seemed to say as I watched her head back for the nest.

There comes a point when, as a human being, pride takes over. I don't generally want or need to feel like a man, but I sure did last night. "You are going DOWN little lady!" I got another board and crossed it over the first one. A huge rock I nearly had to drag from the yard topped the boards. When I came in at almost 10:00 there were 3 red hens roosting just where they were meant to, and that's where they were when I left for my walk this morning.